Time to get serious...

Okay, this is it. I'm done being fat. It's time to get serious about losing weight. No...about becoming healthy. But, it seems that in the wee hours of the morning, while I'm laying awake and feeling like a disgusting blob of lard, I continually make this promise to myself. Then, the next day, I come up with some excuse (or forget completely) and make my way to some fast food place or another and stuff my mouth with comfort. To solve that problem, I'm creating accountability. Regardless of whatever weight loss program I choose to adapt, I don't think I'll follow through unless someone's holding me accountable. That someone is you. Throughout the journey ahead of me, I'll chronicle my obstacles, successes, failures, fears, and joys here. It will be more than me simply updating you on my current weight or what I ate today -- it will be an emotional journey. Hopefully, doing so will help me deal with the issues I have that lead me to get to this level of obesity in the first place. So, I'm doing much more than just going on a diet. More than a life style change. I'm starting a weight loss revolution. I'm going to discover and resolve the unspoken issues that lead me to overeat which will allow me to live a healthy lifestyle. And make it so I never go back to the lifestyle I currently partake in.

I think the best way to start is to address some disillusions and excuses I usually have when I start thinking about my weight. So...let's just get into it:

1. My health is seriously bad. It's not acceptable to be this obese, and it shouldn't be. As much as people will tell you to be comfortable in your own body, the truth is, your body should be healthy. It's not okay to get winded every time you walk up a flight of stairs. It's not okay for your lower back to ache after standing washing dishes for five minutes. It's not okay to hear your heart pounding in my ears after a few minutes of brisk walking. If I don't do something, I will die earlier than I should. That's not something people just make up. I will have a heart attack and I'll die. Although this will most likely happen years from now, if I keep putting adapting a healthy lifestyle off, pretty soon those years will have passed. I need to do something now, for myself, for my family, for my husband, and for my future children.
2. Being upset is not an excuse to overeat. For whatever reason, I've trained myself to believe that putting something hearty, greasy, cheesy, or bacony in my mouth will cure whatever drama and tribulations I'm facing. This isn't true. In fact, I'd be better equip to face those trials if I was healthy.
3. Losing weight is attainable. I think a part of the reason I never follow through with my this-is-it-I'm-really-going-to-lose-weight decisions is because I don't think I'll be able to do it. I'm not strong enough, not able, not supposed to. I've been fat for as long as I can remember. A part of me thinks that that can't change. I'm the fat one, always have been, always will. But I need to realize that's not true. There are plenty of people who felt the same way, but when they took action, they lost weight. And I can do. Fact is, if I eat less and burn more calories, the only thing that can happen is I'll lose weight.
4. I'll be happier when I'm healthier. Yes, the days of chili cheese fries, Slater's 50/50 burgers, and fried chicken will be over. But, that doesn't mean I can't still enjoy food or be happy. For some reason, I have this idea that even though I'm fat and I hate it, I'll hate it more if I can't eat the food I want. That's not true. When I'm healthy, I'll have more energy, feel more confident, and be able to do things I can't today. All that trumps a daily dose of bacon.

I know there's more, but it's 3:30 in the morning and my brain's getting a little slow. As I discover/realize more, I'll list them. And hopefully some day be able to resolve them. I think the second important thing to do today before I sign off is a bit more positive. Here are the reasons why I want to lose weight, what I'll gain, and what my ultimate goals are (or at least a shorthand list). Some of them are superficial, some of them are heart wrenching, some of them are more complex than they seem. Most you probably wouldn't be able to relate to unless you're also overweight...

1. I'll be more confident
2. I'll live longer
3. I'll have more energy
4. I'll be able to do new things I've always wanted to, but have felt too fat to
5. I won't be worried to get pregnant, and my pregnancy will be easier, not to mention my baby will be healthier
6. I won't feel like everyone's looking at my imperfections, all the time
7. I'll be able to buy the clothes I really want to wear
8. I'll be able to go swimming without being constantly aware of judging glares
9. I won't always think strangers around me who laugh are laughing at me
10. I won't be embarrassed to go to the doctor
11. I'll be comfortable in movie theaters
12. I won't be afraid to go on rides at Disneyland
13. I'll have better sleeping patterns (the fact that I'm righting this at almost 4:00 am should tell you something...)
14. I won't feel like a leper when I go shopping with my mom in "regular" clothing stores
15. It won't be painful to sit in a desk at school
16. I won't be self-conscious to kiss my husband in public (I currently feel like seeing someone as fat as me kiss someone else will make others puke)
17. I'll be in pictures because I'll actually let my friends take pictures of me

Okay, so that's it for now. Tomorrow, I plan to write up a list of short term and long term goals and check out my options for help to change my life style. Even though I know there's no one really out there reading this, I just want to thank you for giving me this outlet and holding me accountable.I'm feeling really good about this decision. I know it will be difficult, but I really can't give myself any other options.